


Whisper To Their Souls To Go

by havocthecat



Series: Valedictions [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode Related, F/M, Female Friendship, Het
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-11-01
Updated: 2007-11-01
Packaged: 2017-10-02 12:19:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/havocthecat/pseuds/havocthecat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>All Elizabeth wants to do now is to lie down in her own bed and hope that Phebus doesn't whisper to her as she falls asleep.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whisper To Their Souls To Go

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://community.livejournal.com/sg_ep_ficathon/6676.html) on LJ.

Elizabeth is in the infirmary, lying on a soft bed. John is in the next one over. The Ancient monitors surround them, active and humming softly as Elizabeth taps at the solitaire game on her tablet. The edges of her thoughts echo with Phebus' harsh anger.

She doesn't look at John, preferring instead to focus on the electronic cards in front of her. John's not even glancing her way anyway. He's got War and Peace, which he bullied Rodney into bringing to him, and he's poring over the pages with an unusual intensity.

Hopefully, there's no echo of Thalen left in John. She prefers to think that there's not. She prefers to think that Thalen hadn't wanted to kill Phebus, but Elizabeth knows the deep-seated rage and feelings of betrayal were mutual.

"Colonel Sheppard. Dr. Weir." Elizabeth looks up to see Kate Heightmeyer standing by their beds. "How are you feeling today?" Her hands are clasped loosely in front of her, and she's looking at them with a mixture of concern and sympathy.

"Well, well, well," drawls John, and Elizabeth notices it takes John longer than it should to look up from his book. The look he shoots her says how much he doesn't want Kate there. "Doc Heightmeyer. How's it going?"

Even with years of experience in sensitive diplomatic negotiations, Elizabeth has a hard time reading anything beyond Kate's professional facade. "Hello, Kate."

"Hello, Elizabeth. It's good to see you both looking well," says Kate. Elizabeth doesn't miss her smooth evasion of John's question, but she's not sure what to make of it.

"Well, it's good to be me again." Elizabeth plants her hands on either side of her hips and pushes herself up.

Kate's lips twist into a wry smile. "I can imagine."

"Can you?" asks John. His voice is harsh.

Kate's gaze flickers to John, and her expression doesn't change. Elizabeth sees _something_ in Kate's eyes, though. "The ability to empathize includes being able to mentally place oneself in another's situation."

"Does it really?" John's voice is smooth, and faintly mocking, even though Kate's the only person in this city who could say that and not make it sound like she's quoting from a textbook. "That's just great."

Elizabeth gives him a look, which he responds to with his best 'who, me?' expression. She turns to Kate. "What can we do for you, Dr. Heightmeyer?"

Kate's expression slowly smooths into polite nothingness, and Elizabeth realizes too late that she and Kate had retreated from professionalism for a brief moment. She wonders if Kate needs a respite from constantly being the expedition's psychiatrist. "I've cleared my calendar of appointments tomorrow morning. I'd like to see both of you first thing."

The surge of panic Elizabeth feels doesn't show in her face. "I'm afraid that's impossible, Dr. Heightmeyer," she says. "I'm going to have my work cut out for me with missed appointments and overdue paperwork."

Carson moves into view. He stands about ten feet behind Kate, and Elizabeth shares a look with John. They're being conspired against, then. By the stern look on Carson's face, there's no way they'll be able to get out of this. "Carson and I cleared your schedules as well." Kate smiles pleasantly, without a hint of gloating. "I'll see you both in my office tomorrow."

There's a significant look on Carson's face as Kate turns and their eyes meet. They leave together, and Elizabeth's certain that Carson told her the whole sordid story.

"No weaseling out of it, huh?" asks John.

"Looks like it." Elizabeth picks up her tablet without looking at him, and they spend the time until dinner completely engrossed in their separate occupations.

***

Elizabeth plans her arrival at Kate's office so that she won't run into John, but her timing is abysmal. He gets there at the same time that she does, and the silence between them stretches out as they stand in the doorway, staring at each other. Out of the corner of her eye, Elizabeth sees Kate unconcernedly reading her handheld. The pretense of not noticing this moment is clear, and Elizabeth's not sure whether to be furious at Kate for not breaking the moment, or grateful for the polite inattention.

The tension between them breaks when John clears his throat and rubs at the back of his neck. His head ducks, and he turns into Kate's office. Elizabeth follows.

Kate continues to read her handheld, only slipping her stylus into the holder and setting it down when Elizabeth and John enter her field of view. Elizabeth spends a few brief seconds trying to figure out if Kate _hasn't_ seen them, before she decides that she's more interested in getting through this meeting with what's left of her relationship with her military commander intact.

She doesn't look too closely at why she defines it as a relationship. Friendship is a relationship, after all.

"Good morning," says Kate pleasantly. She stands, fingertips brushing the edge of her desk as her hands fall by her sides, and moves over to the grouping of chairs by the window. She waits until Elizabeth and John move with her, and settles into a chair along with both of them.

When Kate positions herself so she's sitting upright, legs slightly open, and hands resting easily on her thighs, Elizabeth purses her mouth. All of the things that make Kate an excellent psychiatrist are irritating her right now. "I'd like to hear how you feel about the events that led up to your infirmary stay."

She's so nonjudgmental, so calm, as she sits there and waits for an answer.

As the silence stretches out, Elizabeth sees John shifting uncomfortably. "What do you want to hear?" he finally asks, breaking the silence.

Elizabeth has remained motionless and quiet this whole time. She counts it as a victory.

"Exactly what I said, Colonel." Kate's smile is very pleasant, and doesn't contain a hint of the frustration Elizabeth often feels when John is at his most obstreperous. "Control of your body, and Dr. Weir's, was supplanted by an alien consciousness. How do you feel about the events that occurred while your bodies were not under your control?"

"How would you feel?" asks John roughly. He's leaning forward in his seat, almost aggressive, but Kate doesn't react with anything other than an interested look. "Come on, Doc, show us some of that empathy you were talking about yesterday."

"I would be afraid of how people felt about me, and trying not to blame myself for actions taken by someone else using my body," says Kate. John looks triumphant for a brief instant, until Kate continues. "But we're not here to talk about how I would feel."

She gives Elizabeth a curious glance, and Elizabeth wills herself not to react. She can control her expression. It's another victory.

"Yeah, we're not, aren't we?" John smirks. "Lucky you. You didn't get stuck with a homicidal divorcee in your head."

"Is that how you perceive the situation?" asks Kate.

"How I _perceive_ the situation?" spat John. "I perceive that it's really annoying, it's over with already, and I'd like to get back to work now."

Elizabeth wishes John hadn't mentioned that Phebus and Thalen had been husband and wife. That part of what Phebus had said wasn't a lie. She'd known how to leaven the mix of falsehood with just enough truth to make it palatable.

It makes Elizabeth furious to think of how no one saw through the gushy exterior that Phebus presented. How could anyone possibly think Elizabeth would be that _effusive_ over a subject that she would prefer to avoid if at all possible? How is it that no one, not Carson, John, Rodney, _or_ Stephen, had thought to call the expedition's professed expert on the human psyche to help determine if Elizabeth was, in fact, acting in the best interest of the expedition.

When Elizabeth notices Kate's gaze on her, she smooths out her furrowed eyebrows, and stares blandly back.

Kate nods, once, and her expression doesn't change, but Elizabeth sees some sort of resolve flash in Kate's eyes. "All right, I think we've done as much as we can today," she says. "I'll see you both tomorrow morning. I hope you enjoy your day off."

That isn't what Elizabeth expects from Kate. "I can't take a day off," she tells Kate, as John starts to protest as well. "I can barely afford to take this morning off."

The smile from Kate is outwardly pleasant, but when she shakes her head, Elizabeth starts to wonder what Kate's thinking. "Neither Carson nor I will release you for duty until we've resolved any lingering issues from your possessions," says Kate. Her voice is firmer than Elizabeth's heard it before. There's even an edge to it. "We discussed the matter yesterday. Rodney has already locked you both out of Atlantis' systems, and Teyla and Major Lorne are taking over your paperwork until such time as Carson and I confer and judge you fit to return to duty."

Right. So Kate's extremely upset. Elizabeth can't help but understand that, no matter how furious she is with Kate at this moment.

"You can't do this," says John, and that's when Elizabeth's sees Kate's temper snap.

"Oh, can't I, Colonel?" asks Kate sharply. "Do you have _any_ idea how many hours of work I've put in over the past two days? No one blames either of you for the actions taken while your bodies were out of your control, but there are certainly problems resulting from that, and right now, my biggest concern is the mental health of this entire expedition. You _will_ be off-duty until these issues are resolved to my satisfaction."

"Huh," says John slowly. "I was beginning to think you were a robot, what with you being so damn nice all the time."

Kate smiles tightly. "I'm hardly that," she says. "Do you two want to work at this, or would you rather try for a fresh start tomorrow?"

***

They've been at it for what feels like days, but when Elizabeth glances at her watch, only several hours have gone by. It's everything Elizabeth can't stand. She has to talk about things that are private, never meant to be shared. The words drag out of her, with long pauses while she gauges how best to reveal only a sliver of genuine emotion.

The look on Kate's face isn't calm and polite any more, and now she leans forward, intent on everything they say. John's uncomfortable, and no longer able to hide it. He shifts in his chair again, and Kate almost pounces as he stops mid-sentence. Instead she waits, eyes sharp and expectant. As the silence draws out, she grins almost mischievously, and says, "Colonel, you're going to have to give me more than that."

"I hate you," says John. Elizabeth's not quite sure if he means it, or if he's just grumbling. "I really hate you right now. What else do you want me to say?"

"The part of that sentence you bit off because you don't want to talk about it," says Kate.

John's turns to look at her, for the first time in a while, and frowns. "Why'd you hire her again?"

"Dr. Weir hired me because I'm good at what I do," says Kate calmly. She's not at all smug, not obviously so, but Elizabeth can detect a smirk hovering around the edges of her lips.

"I'm beginning to regret that," says Elizabeth, trying to keep her voice from sounding pettish.

"_That_ just means I'm doing my job right," says Kate. Her palms are planted flat on the chair, and she's resting her weight on her arms as she leans forward just that much farther. Elizabeth controls a wince. Kate has the advantage on them right now, and she knows it. "Now. Let's talk about Phebus and Thalen, and how their relationship affected your working relationship."

Elizabeth's eyes widen incrementally as a cold tendril of fear worms its way into her stomach, and John flinches back. Just barely, but it's enough for Kate to notice. Elizabeth can practically see the wheels turning in the woman's head.

"This is a therapy session," says Kate. "Unless I encounter information that you will commit a crime, or harm yourself, anything said in here is confidential."

"I knew that," says John. He glances over at Elizabeth. "You knew that too, right?"

"Of course," murmurs Elizabeth.

"Would either of you like to pick up the thread of conversation, or should I?" asks Kate. Elizabeth is certain that letting Kate pick a topic would be disastrous.

"They hated each other," says John. "What else is there to say?"

"They didn't always," says Elizabeth softly. She's as surprised as anyone that she chooses this moment to speak up.

"I've reviewed the security footage," says Kate, "as well as the audio of the radio discussions." She waits.

"You didn't," says John. He groans. "Please tell me you didn't, and that this is some kind of sick psychiatric joke."

"It's not a joke, though if you'd like some truly awful psychiatric humor, I'm sure I could be persuaded to share." Kate's back to being sympathetic. "But I really did, Colonel."

Right now, Elizabeth would like to be invisible. "And why did you do _that_?" she asks tartly.

"I needed as much information as possible to be able to help the members of this expedition process what happened," says Kate. She shrugs. _She_ isn't the one who spent several hours running the halls of Atlantis, trying to kill her military commander and putting a bullet in the gut of one of his teammates. "Again, it's all confidential, and I believe that Colonel Caldwell and Dr. McKay are trying to have as much as possible of the related material locked behind several passwords."

"That's not a lot of help _now_," complains John. "Did you already talk to Teyla?" Which would make things even more awkward, given what Phebus said to Teyla about her feelings for John.

"I've talked to everyone that I've needed to," says Kate, which is polite-speak for 'it's none of your damn business, John.' She looks from John over to Elizabeth. "What was their relationship, Dr. Weir?"

It's interesting, how Kate has only used Elizabeth's given name once in the past year and a half, and John's not at all. It says something about Kate, and Elizabeth's not sure what. But right now isn't a good time to puzzle out a psychiatrist's foibles. It's just a way to avoid thinking about Phebus. "Why do you need to know?" asks Elizabeth.

"You could trust that I know what I'm doing," says Kate dryly.

"That's why we're still _here_," says John.

Kate just gives him this _look_, and John has the grace to be somewhat taken aback by it. "What was Phebus and Thalen's relationship?" asks Kate slowly. She enunciates each word. "You referred to Thalen as a homicidal divorcee."

"They wanted to kill each other," says John.

"They were lovers when they first met," said Elizabeth. "Then they married. I'm not sure which of them betrayed the other first, but it was only the start of their own, personal war."

"Under the umbrella of the war between their people?" asks Kate.

Elizabeth represses a sigh. "I don't know," she says. "Everything I remember from her life is very fragmented."

"From what we can ascertain," says Kate, "the technology that creates the memory imprinting was designed to leave more recent memories intact in the host, but at the expense of older memories. That and the psychological trauma almost guarantee that older memories would be fragmented, or even gone."

"I hadn't realized you were studying the lifepods," says Elizabeth, surprised.

"There aren't that many people qualified to work with the engineering department on neurologically-based tech," says Kate. "I've been trying to lend a hand where I can."

Elizabeth hadn't known that. Maybe they need to reallocate some additional medical personnel into at least part-time research help. Or maybe they're already doing uncredited research, and Elizabeth will have to make sure they get the credit they deserve for all their work.

"When do you find time to sleep?" asks John.

"Usually at night," says Kate. Elizabeth is sure the 'usually' means that sometimes Kate's up late anyway. She often does the same thing. "Do you feel any echoes of Phebus and Thalen's history in your own interactions now?"

"Do you mean 'do I wanna shoot Elizabeth in the kneecaps and then gut her so I can watch as she slowly dies of a perforated bowel?'" asks John. He's shifted position again, leaning forward aggressively. "Because that's what Thalen was really feeling like he should do to Phebus. The answer is, no, not really."

"Why not?" Kate's eager now, pushing John harder than anyone ever pushes him. "What's the difference between you and Thalen?"

"I'm not some sick fuck who gets off on rape and murder," John bites out. "And Elizabeth's not psycho. Nor is she manipulative. Or even vindictive. That bitch was. She threatened to kill--"

"To kill everyone with the new fire-suppressant systems?" asks Kate, and Elizabeth thinks she detects the shadow of a tremor in Kate's voice. "I'm aware of that."

"You're aware of that, and you're in here alone with us?" asks John. He sounds amazed. "You're not worried those two are going to come back to life and kill you?"

"It sounds like you're more worried about the possibility than I am," says Kate.

John stills at that. "Why do you say that?" he asks warily.

"I'm not the one who brought up the subject," says Kate. "What do you think of that possibility? You're certain Thalen is gone?"

"He's gone," says Elizabeth, interrupting. If he wasn't gone, she thinks Phebus would still be possessing her. That Phebus used her body for uncontrolled violence is a desecration of everything Elizabeth believes in. Instead of negotiating, Phebus attacked. When she resorted to words, when trapped and as a last resort, she threatened everyone Elizabeth holds dear.

"How do you know?" asks John. He turns to look at her, and when their eyes meet this time, a shock races through Elizabeth.

"She wouldn't let go," says Elizabeth. Her voice is soft and low. "She wouldn't let go unless Thalen were gone."

"Yeah." John scrubs one hand through his hair. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Think 'until death do us part' is part of Pegasus marriage vows?"

"I don't think I want to know," says Elizabeth. She remembers the feel of John's mouth on hers, of Phebus unable to think of anything good without the murderous rage of betrayal. "They're both gone. Do you think we can get back to normal now?"

"Probably." The wry grin John gives her is the first she's seen from him in a while. "Though normal is still pretty weird."

"That it is," says Elizabeth fervently.

"I think we're done for now," says Kate. Elizabeth glances over and sees what's almost an approving look on Kate's face. She'd forgotten Kate was there for a minute. "Why don't you take the rest of the day to process everything, and then we'll meet first thing tomorrow morning for what's hopefully a final review."

"Sounds good to me," says John, pushing upright.

"I'll see you tomorrow, then, Kate." Elizabeth stands quickly, and moves toward the door with John. As they reach the door, John fleeing the room as fast as he can, Elizabeth pauses and turns back. She sees Kate, her elbows resting on her knees, looking utterly exhausted as she rubs at her eyes.

Elizabeth shakes her head quickly and leaves. Kate's a psychiatrist. She can deal with being a little frazzled.

***

"I think it would've been easier if Heightmeyer had trained a spotlight on us and made us tap-dance," grumbles John. They've been walking for a while, and it seems that John's as tired of the oppressive silence as Elizabeth is. "At least we could've grabbed Cadman and gotten pointers first."

"John," says Elizabeth, but her voice lacks its usual firmness. "Dr. Heightmeyer means well."

"Aren't you the ping-pong ball of Atlantis tonight," says John. He's teasing her and she's not in the mood to hear it. "First it's Kate, then it's Dr. Heightmeyer, and then you go back to Kate. But now you're calling her Dr. Heightmeyer again. What's up with that?"

"There's nothing up with it." Elizabeth isn't going to explain how Kate makes her uncomfortable, or what it is about Kate that makes her uneasy. It's undefinable, anyway. They're heading toward the living quarters, and Elizabeth picks up her pace.

John's legs are long, and, damn him, he keeps up with her easily. "So what _is_ up with you?"

"What do you _think_ is up with me?" snaps Elizabeth. "We were possessed by alien consciousnesses, we tried to kill each other, and now we've just been through the wringer with Dr. Heightmeyer." She's still walking. All she wants to do now is to lie down in her own bed and hope that Phebus doesn't whisper to her as she falls asleep.

"You forgot to mention the part where those two were married and kept trying to kill each other," says John.

"She wanted you to believe you were letting Thalen into your body so he could fuck her." It's a harsh statement, but it's true, no matter how politely Phebus had voiced it. Elizabeth stops in front of her door and looks down. She can't look at John as she says it. "Did you--"

She pauses and gathers her thoughts. Elizabeth can feel the weight of John's gaze on her as she does. "Did I what?" he asks.

She stays silent and still. Phebus had used her, had used her knowledge and the insights she's painstakingly gathered on her command staff. Now Elizabeth wonders how insightful she truly is.

"Did I _what_, Elizabeth?" he asks, more forcefully now.

Elizabeth looks up at John quickly, but he doesn't move when her eyes meet his. "Why did you let yourself believe her?" she asks. "Was it because that was what you wanted?"

"Do I want to sleep with you?" asks John. "Elizabeth, what the hell?"

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry. That was inappropriate of me." She sweeps her hand over the door controls, and the door flies open. It's almost as if Atlantis is responding to her eagerness.

When she moves inside her room, she is surprised to see that John follows her. The door closes behind him with a soft whooshing sound. "This whole situation is so beyond inappropriate," he tells her.

She laughs, and can't decide whether she sounds broken or bitter. She _knows_that. She's known that from the instant she woke in the infirmary, screaming and unable to be heard. She's known from the instant Phebus latched on to John. She lured him in with honeyed words and simpering looks. "Why did you let Thalen inside you?"

"Because I thought _you_ were asking." His voice is rough and full of an emotion Elizabeth can't recognize. When she meets John's eyes, she sees that he would do anything for her.

She sees that he would follow her to the ends of the Earth - to the ends of this galaxy, or any other - if only she would ask. It's a heady sensation, having that much power over someone. It's power that has nothing to do with Colonel Sheppard or Dr. Weir, and everything to do with Elizabeth and John. "I'm sorry." She's not sure what she's apologizing for.

"It wasn't you," says John. He takes one step toward her, then stops, and their gazes are still locked together. They're only a foot apart from each other. "None of it was you."

Elizabeth thinks that might be what she meant to apologize for. "_This_ is me," she breathes. She reaches to pull John closer, into a deep, open-mouthed kiss, and the bitter dregs that are all that's left of Phebus scream in protest. Elizabeth is triumphant.

When John's hands grab her shoulders, she whimpers, and he kisses her harder. It's almost painful, and Elizabeth isn't sure if she wants absolution or punishment from him.

Heat burns through her. Her hands ghost down his sides, then tug his shirt out from his pants. She splays her palm against his chest, under the fabric, and John pulls back, taking deep, heavy breaths. "Are you sure--"

She quiets him with another kiss, this one softer. "This is what _I_ want," she says.

John doesn't nod. He just steps back and tugs his shirt off.

Elizabeth watches as John strips. Her hands are clasped together, stilling their nervous movement, as he pulls his clothes off, removes his socks and shoes, and straightens, watching her. He's hard, and as Elizabeth studies him, watches the play of light across his skin, she hears him whisper her name.

He needs her, and so she goes to him, lets him pull off her clothing, and lower her down onto her bed. John's mouth is against her neck, and he whispers her name over and over again. Elizabeth hears the echo of Thalen in his voice as she tilts her head back, feels the imprint of Thalen's body against Phebus' as he pushes into her, but the taste of sweat against John's skin banishes them.

When John comes, it's too fast, and Elizabeth tenses, frustrated and almost furious. "Sorry," he mumbles. "Been a while."

"John--" Elizabeth breaks off. He's still buried inside her, but softening. He'll leave soon, and she'll take care of herself when she's in the shower. Probably it's better this way. It won't work, she knows that. John must know that too.

Except he slips out and lays down next to Elizabeth, and as she turns to ask John to go, his fingers are slipping between her thighs. She can feel the calluses on them, and then he curls them inside her. His mouth covers hers, and she arches her back, groaning.

She thrusts her hips, pushing her cunt down against him, and pants as he drives her higher, into an orgasm that lets her stop thinking for only a few short moments. It's enough, though, and when she comes down to herself, John is staring at her. Elizabeth thinks he might be trying to memorize her face, or trying to see who's under her skin today.

"I'm not leaving," he tells her.

Elizabeth lets one eyebrow arch. "Oh?" she asks coolly.

John chuckles. "We've got the rest of the day off," he says. "We may as well try to enjoy it."

***

"Try not thinking so hard," says John. His voice startles Elizabeth, but she doesn't let it show. It's been a few days since Kate and Carson cleared them for duty, and things have almost returned to normal.

Elizabeth looks up from her desk. John is perched on his usual corner, and she tries to look sternly at him. Unfortunately, the twinkle in her eyes means he's even more irrepressible than usual. "Colonel, I'm very busy," she says.

He knows her heart's not in it. "I've noticed that, _Dr. Weir_." John smirks. Damn. She can't keep her distance from him. "It's late."

The fact that she's spent the past few nights naked in bed with John shouldn't affect their working relationship. She keeps telling herself it needs to end, that this - not a relationship, but whatever it is - can only be the echo of two dead lovers who betrayed each other. "There's more paperwork that's overdue--"

"I can't stop thinking about how you taste," says John, and she checks that her door is closed with a quick, startled glance.

"I see," says Elizabeth, and all she can think of is John going down on her for the first time last night. She rallies her thoughts, and tries, once again, to convince him of what the right thing to do is. "This is inappropriate, John."

She can't even convince herself, so how can she convince John?

"I know," he says. He jerks his head at the door. "Come on. Take care of yourself first, for once, and let the paperwork wait until morning."

Elizabeth meets John's gaze. Whatever's building between them now is fragile. They've slipped into a relationship, and without being aware of it, she's gotten used to falling asleep in someone's arms again. She nods, breaking their eye contact, and stands. "All right," she says.

They're careful not to touch, not to walk too close to each other. When they get to Elizabeth's quarters, she's careful not to notice one of John's shirts left draped over her couch. He turns to her, cupping her face in his hands, and they're lost in each other once again.

\--end--


End file.
